A Choice

Every choice has a consequence, good or bad, that directly touches many lives. Those lives touched can be future generations. My grandfather impacted me with the decision he made in handling the loss of his wife. Feeling incapable of raising his two daughters he chose to move to Oregon to let his sister-in-law, Daisy, and brother-in-law raise them.

Daisy, a career woman, never wanted children. She had been abandoned to relatives by her mother and father during her school years growing up. Their intentions may have been good wanting her to have a proper education by going to the city school of Penora, Iowa instead of the local country school, but Daisy felt rejected by her distant parents.

At thirteen when Daisy lost her mother to breast cancer. Her father permanently abandoned her to relatives when he found another woman to marry with children of her own. Daisy had not been nurtured by her mother prior to her death nor was she nurtured by her grandparents and aunt, on her mother’s side of the family, when she moved in with them after her father remarried.

It follows then that Daisy would not be the nurturing mother figure for her two nieces after their mother’s death. Admired for the sacrifice she made to raise them, she was unable to emotionally give them the comfort, empathy, and closeness they needed growing up without a mother. Daisy followed the pattern demonstrated by her role models.

It only makes sense then that Daisy’s niece, Patricia, raised her three children much the same way as Daisy raised her. Discovering Daisy’s past history and the way Daisy raised my mother, Patricia, I have evaluated my own mothering techniques. I have chosen to stay home with my children instead of working outside the home as my mother and Daisy did. I’m now at home available to give my children the emotional and physical attention they need.

Unfortunately, I was unaware of my parenting style when my four year old daughter told me, “Mommy, you love this house more than you love me.” Ouch. That hurt! Thankfully Kayla was perceptive and verbal to share her thoughts with me. I began to change my emphasis from being neurotic about a clean house to putting more focus on my relationships with my children.

We have a choice to make when we recognize a pattern of behavior that has been passed down from past generations. When my daughter Kayla told me that I loved the house more than I loved her I had to look at why she would say such a thing. I saw the pattern of neglect and I began to slowly change with God’s help. With four kids and two dogs I made the choice to let go of the clean house and focus on my children!

Questions for Discussion:
• Are you aware of doing something that has been passed on from prior generations?
• Can you think of something your grandfather or grandmother did that you might do, good or bad?
• Have you stopped a cycle of destructive behavior?
• Do you see your children doing something you do?
• Did you ever put more emphasis on doing things instead of investing in relationships?
• What did you learn from your role models that you’re proud of?

Suggestions for Change:
Think about the things you do that your parents did. Ask God to help you through a prayer like David’s in Psalm 139:22-24, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”